Over the past ten years, I have become deeply committed to helping singles and singles-again in their dating and marital preparation. In fact, I believe I have developed the first mate selection training program. I have fondly titled it, How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk. Although there are numerous premarital programs and assessment procedures, they are geared to help couples improve their relationship prior to marriage. What has been missing is a focus on single adults and their needs.

Two of the most common remarks I have heard when counseling someone dismayed with a relationship are:

"If only I knew then what I know now..."

and

"I saw it when dating, but I just overlooked it..."

These two regretful reflections reveal the most common problems which handicap marital choice. The first remark indicates that too many people do not know what to look for in order to shape an accurate profile of the person they are dating. After searching through hundreds of self-help books and thousands of pages of research, I found that the numerous characteristics which predict what a person will be like in marriage can fit into five categories. These key areas are:

1. the dynamics of their childhood and family experiences

2. the maturity of their conscience

3. the scope of their compatibility potential

4. the strength of their relationship skills

5. the patterns of their previous relationships

The second reflective confession, "I just overlooked it..." raises the question, Just why is love blind? The source of this unhealthy "blind love" is overattachment. Even when you know what to look for in the dating process, you can still be blindsided when you allow your attachment to become too strong, too soon. There are definite bonding forces which form the glue of your attachment. When these forces are not kept in balance, then your attachment can easily over-ride your judgment... so, even though you know you should slow down...or even get out, you just can’t.

I’ll never forget my counseling sessions with Mary (not her real name). She was a bright, attractive woman who was "in love" with the man of her dreams (or, more accurately, her nightmares). They had been seeing each other for three years. Although she would complain that he was overly controlling, jealous, possessive and temperamental, she just could not pull away from this magnetic attachment to him. It was as if her heart was disconnected from her mind...and her heart ruled. When we talked about his family background, she could describe the unresolved problems which easily explained why he was this way. Yet, she would swear that she loved him and was going to marry him.

I have seen this scenario and heard this story countless times. What makes the attachment so strong that it becomes self-defeating and unhealthy? In general, it is the imbalance of the bonding forces which make up attachment. Specifically, for Mary, it was the exaggerated needs she had for being loved and possessed which drove her to overly rely on her boyfriend for feeling secure and safe. Mary had a father which was very nonaffectionate and distant. As a result, she developed a craving for being "lovingly possessed." However, this unmet need attracted a guy who had an equally unhealthy need to control. The match produced a strange, extreme bond in which Mary’s reliance on her boyfriend was like an addiction.

Five bonding forces create the feeling of closeness in every romantic relationship. The first bonding force is what you know about the person you are dating (Knowledge). You grow to know a person better by exploring the five key areas mentioned above. As you gather pieces of understanding about the person you care for, you arrange them to create a portrait of what you believe this person is like. This mental portrait is your Trust or your internal picture of the other person. Based on your level of trust, you form a Dependency or reliance upon this person to meet more and more of your needs (it was this bonding force which Mary did not keep in balance with what she actually knew about her boyfriend). This growing dependency produces a deepening Commitment or definition of the relationship. The Sexual expression, or the boundaries and extent of physical involvement, grow out of the increasing intimacy and closeness.

These five bonding forces have a hierarchical order and interrelational balance. Although this may sound confusing, it really is quite simple. Each force can be pictured as levels or rheostats. The level of the first adhesive force, knowledge, sets the highest appropriate level for the next, and so on. Therefore, what you know about the person you care for should set your highest level for trust; which should set the appropriate ceiling for your dependency or reliance upon this person; your commitment should not exceed your reliance; and your sexual involvement should not exceed your commitment. This is the one, major rule to follow with these bonding forces.

NEVER ALLOW THE LEVEL OR INTENSITY OF A BONDING FORCE
TO EXCEED THE LEVEL OF THE PREVIOUS

When these boundaries are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy and masks critical characteristics of the other person that should be more closely looked at and explored. It is this imbalance which makes love blind.